Pain that you could only cries on

 ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ 

I just don’t know when, or how can I get a period of time where I didn’t feel like I am collapsed, this deep.

Is it wrong for you to love and care? 

Why does it it brings a lot of unwanted thing. You always felt you were left alone in the boat, in the sea that full of waves and unknown storms.

O Allah, please only allow things that could get me closer to you. Give a me sabr and strength to keep on paddling in this sea, even though I’ve always wanted a break, by jumping into the ocean and never been found….

She’s in silent, hoping that she never lose herself. 

Not anymore..

Less care, that’s what you could do to avoid this heartache 😇 love, with no boundaries. Care in silent. Give a dua in pain, as that’s the best gift you could ever give, that you can give without them knowing.

Keep that sabr.

Lots of love and abundance of dua for yourself,

May you get better and grows stronger, dear-self 

Irdina. 

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ 

If Allah has written this path is best for me

 بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم 

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ dearself,

Today has been very tough for you, isn’t it?  Its Arafah Day, when I am so excited and happy to wait for this day, because Allah will hear all of my prayers! But things went a little bit messy, around noon. Getting a phone call that has crushed everything into pieces. Ya Allah, is this another trial for me? 

Allah, i know that you see what I do, and know what I always asked from you. How much I felt at ease when I am able to turn back to you when things is not right. The one that I can share what I felt without having the difficulties to put everything to words. 

Pagi tadi, I woke up earlier than usual, despite the sleeping difficulties that I am having, Alhamdulillah manage to wake up for tahajjud! I even get to have sahoor with my whole family, Ya Allah, i feel at ease. Hari ni mmg lepas subuh, I’ve been reading Quran, start surah baru hari ni At-Taubah. Spare some of my time to do some cleaning for both toilets. Hihi how strong you are? Dahlah puasa. Then after washing up and feeling all fresh, i did my dhuha, and solat taubat. After that mengaji and terus tertido from 12.30 till 2pm. Manage to solat zuhr right after i am awake. Rushing pergi rumah tok wan sbb nak tolong buat ketupat palas. Ya Allah the starting of this day is beautiful and full with productive activities. After sooo long i kept myself down and not wanting to do anything, FINALLY.

But it all turned upside down, when I received a phone call from him. Not a good thing to hear. Shattered, broken, sedih, serbasalah : that’s what i felt. All of the conversation did not end very well, i lost myself again.

I hit the wall with my both hands, smashed it so many times that I forgot how painful it was. Left my hand a bit swollen and bruises. Sakitnya rasa hati, kenapa Ya Allah tak tahan sangat ni..

After maghrib, then baru berbuka, lambat sikit berbuka after my family sense something is not right, successfully covered it with my jaw pain. Sorry..

I went back to my room, terus msg his mom saying I’m sorry and everything. Sedih jugak rasa bila tahu cara kita salah, i admit my fault.. but Alhamdulillah his mom is so kind, cuma i am still afraid with what makcik is thinking about ni. I know, i am not ‘perempuan baik2.’ Boleh ke nak jadi solehah ni?

Alhamdulillah after that rasa lega sikit. I still manage to solat on time, for isha and decided to do 3 rakaat instead of 1 rakaat witir like i always did. Continued my At Taubah for few pages, As-Sajdah and AlMulk before i lied down on my bed. Feeling empty, hopeless. Terus terlelap. Cuma i am very grateful for this new feeling, where Allah is never leave me.

I can’t sleep now, sparing some time write in here. I don’t know if this will works or not, but we’ll try. Hopefully i will feel better after writing all this. Yup, with pain felt from my hand…

My mind had been racing and thinking so much. Even attempted to call him. Sigh, what’s wrong with me? He won’t answer you bruhh. Sabr, I can’t wait till this midnight, nak mengadu dekat Allah. And for the first time, rasa yg keperluan sangat untuk buat istikharah.

For him, rasa sayang ni tak pernah berubah, lillahitaala.. Tapi kenapa this pain is so painful that I wasn’t able to swallow? And even sad, felt like I was left alone.. where are you? 

Kenapa banyak words from you, lain dari the first conversation?

Ya Allah, i have lost all the trust, i have nothing left with me. If this mistakes are meant to be taken by me, that would actually clear everything, then give me strength. 

I am scared.

I am in pain.

I am lost.

I am nothing.

That suicidal thoughts has been lingering in my mind, astagfirullah, forgive me Ya Allah. Please protect me from doing all the unwanted things again..

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ.

With lots of love and abundance of dua for yourself, Irdina.

Is there's something wrong with my Imaan?

 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Assalamualaikum dearself, 

I know that these few days has been hard on you. You were left with a constant 'emptiness', a lot of overthinking and the thoughts of suicidal that keeps lingering inside your mind. Oh Allah, please forgive all of my negative thinking when I wasn't really aware and have control over that. 

I've been keeping this feeling for quite a time, always making myself to find my own space and ways to make everything to be better. There is nothing wrong, nor any problems that is happening around me, is it just me that always feel incomplete? out of nowhere, without any solid reason. MashaAllah, Allah is the best listener that I can always rely on, when I cant really put my words in my dua, I always asked Him to grant and give the best out of the things that I is packed in my heart. That is when, I was able to talk to my dearest best friend, Shahrul Khairina. What she is going through and facing right now is much greater than I am, but there she is last week with me, crying together through Teams Videocall. She always understands me, never did she said that I am weird (like i always feel like i am), what i have been feeling is not funny and it is okay for me. Ya Allah, thank you for sending her into my life. She just really helps me to put all the miserable things to its place. 

I still find it hard for me to explain and express the things, as I tend to keep everything to myself. I wonder, If i am able to write it in here?

5:08pm, 12-Jul-2021. I'll just leave everything in here for now. Thought that I'm about write down with the title related thing, but it's just too stuffy inside my heart. InshaAllah till the next writings. 

 Assalamualaikum...

Here again, its me, its 12.44pm and I have a lot of things going on inside my mind. I am so miserable right now, that I cant even write down any title.

Ya Allah, why I have no control over myself, why does everything around me effects me so much, Why do i feel sad, an extreme sadness. I am so broken, knowing that I wasnt able to calm myself down. I wanted to cry so much, but I'm afraid that if I cry, the old things will happen again to me. Ya Allah... I am clueless.....

Understanding the new me

 Bismillahirahmanirahim, Assamualaikum dearself.

Looking at my own condition lately, i think it's time for me to start writing again, just to make sure that this blog could be my diary that maybe, could help me in the future?

Writing on the blog where nobody knows and read about what you post, is a therapy for me, and as i mention above, it is my diary. Enough with the unwanted introduction after 5 years of leaving this place, here we go.

Last night, i felt that again. Pernah tak rasa macam diri tiba-tiba rasa tak okay, that your heart beats so fast, that you could really feel it, and maybe 'i can hear that too in my ear?'. That is my condition, that I felt, petang2 right after I've done brainstorming all the ideas that I have about my future business. I chose to sleep, cause I feel like I might felt it because I was too tired, like before. Tapi, bila bangun je rasa badan macam nak demam, rasa sejuk, tapi badan panas, kepala dah start berat.

Ahhh takpe, tak ada apa2 ni, so I continue mengaji and solat. After that rehat sekejap sebab nak tunggu maghrib. Oh ya, semalam I have marked in my quran, to make sure that I will be able to finish 30 juz today, on Friday before Ramadhan. Puasa ni teringin sangat sangat rasa nak khatam satu al-quran. InshaAllah.. I will be able to do it.

This post was left for months, written on 4th April 2021.

I just read it all today, and posted it. 

With tons of love and dua, for all of you.

Assalamualaikum.